The Life of a Tester

The life of a tester

I need your help for 5 minutes, they said
At 5AM Saturday morning, they said
Alarm clock goes off, I can go back to sleep, I said
This will be quick, they said
Two hours later: let's roll back, they said
So much for sleeping, I said

Kitty in repose

Kitty in repose, a photo by Michael_Lehet on Flickr.

Vintage Post: The day I got "stumbled upon'

You know, it's been a bit crazy around here for a while....I'm sure that you had no idea what was going on, and that's the way I wanted it to be.

I got Stumbled Upon a few weeks ago, and things are just starting to get back to normal - I swear I don't know how Madonna does it!

Stumble Upon is sorta like Digg where people submit stories and then everyone else votes and then suddenly something happens and you get hit with tons of traffic.

So here's what happened (a la Sophia Petrillo).....picture it, the Thursday before a big holiday, the biggest holiday in all of the United States....no, not Christmas, that's everyone's holiday...I mean The Fourth of July.

I was at work and it was super slow (being that it was a Holiday Weekend and all) and they told us that they were going to let us go home at 3:00 (so about an hour and half) whoo hooo!!!! I had checked my blogstats earlier in the morning and it was normal....30...maybe 40 hits. Well when I checked around 1:30 I was at 114....oh ok, that's a little high but I figured I just got hit by a robot or something. So around 3:00 I check again, and suddenly I'm up to 596 hits...WTF?!?

I don't think I've EVER gotten 596 hits in one day. I mean a few years ago when I spelled Jennifer Anniston's name wrong I got a whole bunch of clicks from other people that didn't know how to spell her name, and believe me you, there were a lot of people that didn't know how to spell her name (and probably still don't).

So I hit refresh, and now it's at 603 hits, wait, did I just get like 4 hits in 10 seconds, what the heck.

So I drilled down into my stats to see what was going on.....there was only one referring URL in my entire list......All of this traffic was coming from ONE URL, one freaking URL. Oh crap, what had I written that day, is this gonna get me in trouble?

No, you know what it was....it was a silly email that my Roommate had sent me, "Interesting Facts about the Body" it was cheesy so I posted it....some of you even commented on it (Thank you for doing that btw.)

By the time I got home from work, I was up somewhere around 3,400 hits, I couldn't believe that I could be getting this many hits from one blog post....and why oh why did it have to be one of my stupid blog posts, it couldn't have been something insightful or witty...oh wait, they would have had to have been reading a different blog then.....anyway, I kept eye on the stats and they kept growing and growing and growing.

At midnight on July 3, 2008 I ended the day with 13,063 hits, hey not bad when I consider 70 people poking their heads in a phenomenal day...I counted the traffic from 11:30pm to 12:30 pm and I got 1800 hits.....I was estatic and flabbergasted.....

On July 4th I had 8,758 hits and then all of the fun was over.....on the 5th of July I had a whopping 395 hits....you don't even want to know how big of a drop that is.....in a few days I was starting to level off and hit my regular numbers....but actually a few more than normal, so to all of my new readers out there....HEY!!! Leave me a comment and say hello.

I did find a few interesting things though:

- People don't browse, most people came to my site, read the post and walked out the door.

- People do not comment. Out of 20,000 hits, do you know how many new comments I got on that post? Uhm, NONE....Zip.....Zero, the only comments were from you guys....

- People will rip you a new butt-hole on Stumble if they don't like you.

- People will sing your praises on Stumble if they do like you.

- Your friends in real life have no idea how exciting this was for you.

- I'm glad that it's all over!

You know, we haven't had role call on here in a long time....if ever.....so tell me, where are you from?

Frozen Turkey Ass - Just in time for Christmas Dinner

Compliments of our local Baskin-Robbins/Dunkin Donuts, just in time for our big Christmas Dinner....I present to  you.....something that will horrify your guests........freak out little children......and melt all over your dessert table:

The Ice Cream Turkey Ass

This is their ice cream cake interpretation of a roasted turkey, like I said "it's THEIR interpretation"

It is a versatile piece of ice cream though, because if you turn it sideways it looks as though it would blend in nicely with the other taxidermy in your home, like that 10-point buck you shot in 1994.

So if you want to horrify your guests this Christmas season, then head down to your local BR/DD and get your very own Turkey Ass....and oh yeah, it's $31.99 plus Tax!

Jump on it!!!

Just random enough

Have you ever noticed that when the low battery alert goes off on the smoke alarm that it's just random enough.

You stop for a few seconds to say "Hey, did I just hear that?" then by the time you convince yourself that you didn't hear it and you go on with life....you hear it again.

But by then you've moved so then you're like "Oh yeah, I DID hear that, now where did it come from?" Then the game begins but just about the time that you lose interest in the game, it beeps sucking you right back into it!.

One time it took me 30 minutes to figure out where the beeping was coming from.  Turned out it was an empty apartment on the third floor and the alarm echoed through the hallway.

I hate throwing up

I threw up on the way home from the gym.

I'm not proud of it.

We joined the local gym earlier this year and decided to sign up for a trainer, since both of us were going it actually made it affordable.

We've got a great trainer - she really puts us through our paces - but she really did it to us tonight.

I know, I know...we should get a male trainer, because "they understand" blah blah blah, we REALLY like our Trainer and we work great together - and that's enough.

Tonight there were two meatheads in the workout room tossing a medicine ball to each other, so the Trainer said "We're gonna work the floor" and so we walked out to the machines......uh oh.

I've never been much of a machine guy, heck I've never been much of a gym guy.

We worked the machines and did a great little upper body workout, I'll be surprised if I can grasp a pencil in the morning.

Our time was up and I was sweating!  We walked out to the car and drove to the other end of the lot while the Husband went into the grocery store for provisions...so I waited.

And while I waited, I started to sweat a little bit more, my tummy was upset.  So I laid my seat back and started doing my Lamaze Breathing.

We headed home and even though I had the window rolled down, even though it was barely 45 degrees outside - I kept sweating.

Every pot hole made it worse, we turned, my stomach kept going straight.  We were getting ready to turn the corner on our street when I literally yelled - PULL OVER!

I unbuckled, threw open the door, almost hit a fire hydrant and let it hurl.

I think I'd rather throw up when I'm really drunk, because at least you sort of forget the whole thing.

It's really hard to forget throwing up on the side of the street, while you're still in your car and the hot neighbor you've been wanting to say "Hi" to, walks by.

Damn Gym!

Can't even say Trick or Treat

It's Halloween...BOO!

Tonight while we were walking the dog and I was waiting outside the bodega while The Husband was cashing in his lottery winnings, there were tons of kids out scavenging for candy.

And that's exactly what they were doing, scavenging.

There was a girl sitting outside the store with a big container of candy - so that the kids wouldn't need to go inside.

Do you know that for the entire 8 minutes while I was standing there I heard not one 'trick or treat' nor 'thank you'

Seriously, not one.  And there were a lot of kids.

All they would do is stick their bag out, the girl would drop a piece of candy in it, they walked away.

Kids suck all the fun out of Halloween!

The Beginning of the End

This does not bode well for us, does it?  According to the Farmer's Almanac - we may be getting snow by week's end here in the midwest......

Why is it that no one is concerned about the Mayan Prophecy?  Movies have been made about this exact moment and people are just like "Real life....meh....."  Book after book has been written about the Mayan Calendar and everyone now is just sort of "Real life....meh..."

But what if this really is the beginning of the end?  I didn't watch that last disaster movie, but I'm sure they showed clips from clueless reporters giving updates on the ever increasingly worse weather....which is what was all over the TV today.  One new coverage after the next for this "Frankenstorm Sandy" a mix of a Tropical Storm and No'r Easter.  So everyone is in a tizzy!

There have been all kinds of natural disasters happening this year, heck just this afternoon there was a significant earthquake somewhere, but wasn't newsworthy enough to devote any time to other than a brief mention.

It all starts with "natural disasters" doesn't it?  Hasn't anyone seen the movie where some guy has been monitoring this for years and it's actually happening......I can't believe that no one seemingly cares about the prophecy.

People died over that Mayan Calender and now everyone is like "Real life.....meh...."

I hope the Mayans were right!

A chair for one????

My husband had to go to the doctor the other day.....and of course we had to wait.  When I sat down this is what was staring at me from across the table.

It wasn't quite a couch, it definitely wasn't a love seat but it was most definitely much bigger than a normal person would need.  So is this a chair for one?

Playing Telephone with Old People is Dangerous

I admit it, I'm old.  Once I got my first Senior Discount, I knew it was all downhill from there....and I wasn't even 40 then!  A lot of things change when you get older....especially your bodily functions.

And by bodily function I mean your hearing and sight.  When I got my new contacts last year, my Optometrist asked if I wanted them to see close or far away better....for some silly reason I said "Far away, of course" and I've been regretting it ever since when I have to hold EVERYTHING at arm's length to read it!  When I'm wearing my glasses I can just take them off and I'm good, but not so much with contacts, I need longer arms.

Earlier this summer I took my husband home to Pennsylvania to meet my parents and to see where I grew up.  While we were there we had a wonderful time and he got to meet a lot of my old friends, so many friends, so many good and wonderful people.  People that have in the last 20 years been scattered all across the country, me in Chicago, others to Seattle and yet others who weren't there at the time are now a part of our big clan.

We went out to lunch one afternoon.  You need to picture this, 8 women all at least 60 years old and all the way up to 80+, my father, myself, and my husband - a motley crew for sure!  But what fun and laughter we had that day.  We're sitting in a private room with two big tables pushed together and us all gathered around when my mother (at one end of the table) says "Let's play a game....let's play telephone like we did when we were kids."  Heck we all said YEAH cuz inside we're all still kids.  So my mother starts it off.

As she whispers in the first person ear the receiver says "You know, it's not a good thing to start off with the deaf one."  She was also the one that said "Friendship Sandwich" when the waitress said that the special that day was a French Dip Sandwich.   To which got us all giggling and laughing because we had no idea what she heard.  The game was on.....it was passed to the next person, who thought about for a second and shared it with the next and so on and so on until it got to my father (who was at the other end of the table) who chuckled and whispered in my ear "Chicken's have lips"

Chicken's have lips?  What the hell?  Ok, so I passed it on to my husband who had no idea what it meant and sent it on it's way. It worked it's way to the end of the table, right back next to my mother.  We were all excited to hear what came out and we waited with anticipation as the final receiver gathered her thoughts.

"What did you hear?  What did you hear?"  We wanted to know, and she blurted out "Something about Mexican Half-Wits?  What the heck does that mean?"  Oh my goodness, did we laugh at that!  "Mexican Half Wits" we all repeated, each adding their own flair to it.  So what did you say to start with, we all wanted to know.

My Mother smiled and said "What a Great Day Today Is" and we all wondered, how in the heck did that end up being Mexican Half-Wits?  We didn't have to think long or hard because we knew who the culprit was....my Father!

I should have known something was up when he passed the phrase to me without a stutter.  Still how that ended becoming Mexican Half-Wits is still something we're all trying to figure out.....and still laughing about!

Boy Scouts just don't give a fuck

This flyer showed up in the office the other day.  The order form was face up and I saw Popcorn and thought YUM!  I love popcorn.

There were no prices on the order form side, as well there were no names on the order form either - so I guess I'd be the first one to order.  And then I flipped it over.....

The cheapest type of popcorn was $10 (which isn't bad) for 20 ounces.  That's a pound and quarter for those taking notes, which works out to about 0.50 cents an ounce....no bad, or you could buy 2 pounds of unpopped corn for the same price.

Then I started looking at the other items on the sheet.....and the prices just went up from there!  $18, $20, $30, the prices just kept going up and up and up.....$45, $55 and the top of the top was $75.  I could not imagine buying $75 worth of popcorn!

It got me to thinking....those poor sucker Girl Scouts would have to sell almost 20 boxes of cookies to equal the highest priced Boy Scout item......so does that mean that the Girl Scouts just want to work more for their money or does that mean the Boy Scouts just want to screw you over faster and harder?

Or does that make the Boys Scout smart because they're maximizing their audience and the girl scouts are stupid by working too hard to make the same amount of money?  Or does that make the Boys Scouts stupid because they're not getting multiple sales versus the Girl Scouts getting you to buy at least one box of EVERY flavor they have.

I think I'd prefer 5 different boxes of cookies compared to one type of popcorn, how about you?

Someone got new Doggles!

Someone got new Doggles!, a photo by Michael_Lehet on Flickr.

I bought Deeohji a pair of Doggles.

They're Goggles for Dogs and they're fabulous. Deeohji has always loved sticking his head out the window, but then show me a dog that doesn't. Since we drive mostly in the city we never really "get up to speed" so he gets to enjoy the wind blowing in his face.

But when we get some speed, the wind is too much for him, so he usually just curls up on the seat and takes a nap....but now he doesn't. Now when we get on the expressway he just sticks his head out further because the wind just goes right on by.

Since we've gotten him Doggles he's encouraging me to drive faster, run red lights and see what really happens when you hit 88 miles an hour! It's gotten so bad that when I come home from work he's sitting at the door waiting for me with his goggles on and ready to go for a drive!

Spider Cat

This is hilarious!!!!

corn is a grass

One night while I was waiting for work to start, I started watching a documentary about Corn.

Everything was going swimmingly when all of a sudden they said something that just blew my mind.  Corn isn't a vegetable, it's a grass.

Corn is not a vegetable, it's a grass.

Of all the years of my life I never looked at corn in that way, but they're absolutely right.  If you look at a corn stalk, all it is really is a grass on steroids.

Then I sorta got freaked out.....when we're eating corn, we're really eating grass seeds.....really really big grass seeds.  Corn is just on giant blade of grass with really really big seeds.....that we eat.

I couldn't watch the rest of the documentary.

The changing of the seasons

Today surprised me.

Yesterday it was a beautiful 73 degrees and I had worn a long sleeved shirt and a light jacket because it was supposed to be a bit cooler.

Today I thought it would be a reprise of yesterday so when I left the house in short sleeves and sans jacket, I should have turned right around....but I didn't.

I sorta enjoy these quick changes in the weather, it's what I like about living North.  Shorts during the day and a light sweater at night.

Enjoy Autumn 2012, cuz if the Mayans were right this is your last one.

Netflix settles Class Action Suit - but you get nothing!

The other day I received this email:
========================================================================

If You Are a Current or Former Netflix Subscriber A Class Action Settlement Could Affect You

Para una notificación en Español, llamar 1-866-898-5088 o visitar www.VideoPrivacyClass.com

Our records show that you were a current or former Netflix subscriber as of July 5, 2012. We are emailing to tell you about a Settlement that may affect your legal rights. Please read this email carefully. Go to www.VideoPrivacyClass.com for more information.

A Settlement has been reached in a class action lawsuit that claims Netflix unlawfully kept and disclosed information, including records on the movies and TV shows its customers viewed. Netflix denies that it has done anything wrong.

What does the Settlement provide?

Netflix has agreed to change its data retention practices so that it separates (known as “decoupling”) Entertainment Content Viewing History (that is, movies and TV shows that someone watched) from identification information for those subscribers who have not been a Netflix subscriber for at least 365 days, with some exceptions.

In addition, Netflix will pay $9 million into a Settlement Fund to:
• Make donations to Court-approved not-for-profit organizations, institutions, or programs.
• Pay notice and settlement administration expenses.
• Pay attorneys’ fees of up to 25% or $2.25 million of the Settlement Fund, plus up to $25,000 in expenses.
• Pay a total incentive award of $30,000 to the Named Plaintiffs.

Proposals from potential donation recipients will be sought, and, after consideration, recommendations will be made to the Court. A list of the proposed donation recipients will be posted on the website.

Your Options

If you do nothing, you will remain in the Settlement and your rights will be affected. If you do not want to be included, you must exclude yourself by November 14, 2012. If you exclude yourself you will keep your right to sue Netflix about the claims in this lawsuit. If you remain in the Settlement, you can object to it by November 14, 2012.

The Court will hold a hearing on December 5, 2012 to consider any objections, whether to approve the Settlement, award attorneys’ fees, and incentive award. You can appear at the hearing, but you don’t have to. You can hire your own attorney, at your own expense, to appear or speak for you at the hearing.

For more information: 1-866-898-5088    www.VideoPrivacyClass.com PO Box 2750 Faribault, MN 55021-9750

========================================================================

What's going on you ask?  Well, if you're a current or past Netflix subscriber you may be part of a Class Action suit, but you'll get nothing.  Basically, Netflix was sued for keeping track of the movies that you rented or streamed, both while you're a paying customer AND after you cancel your account, for up to 2 years - that's a big no no - AND they were using that information for Marketing

See, all the way back in the late 80's when video rentals were a new and exciting thing, Supreme Court Nominee Robert Bork's video rental history was released in a newspaper article.  So the The Video Privacy Protection Act of 1988 was enacted to keep those records sealed - and make it unlawful for companies to share with others.  Just imagine if you were trying to get a job and they pulled your video rental records, would you want them to find out you rented "Donny Does Dallas" 23 times?

Also, this is the reason why you can't readily share your Netflix viewing history with  your friends via Facebook or any other current social media - because Netflix can't share the information legally.....but that doesn't stop them from keeping track of it, which is where this lawsuit comes to play.

But anywho, Netflix has apparently submitted a preliminary settlement, but you get nothing, other than the satisifaction of knowing that they won't be sharing your information anytime soon.  Some folks will be getting money, the six plaintiffs in the case will get to share $30,000; the attorney's will get up to $2.25MM and the remaining of the $9MM will go to some court-appointed Non-Profits (I wonder who those will be).  In addition Netflix will "de-couple" your billing information (your name, credit card, address) from your viewing history.

So don't get excited that you're involved in Class Action suit against Netflix, you get nothing - Money wise that is.

But it does bring up a really big question: Should The Video Privacy Protection Act of 1988 be amended or changed to voluntarilly allow people to share their video rental history?  Or should it always be locked tight?

A present for my husband

I got a present for my husband, do you think he'll enjoy it?

NATO, Chicago and how the media lies

The NATO meeting being held in Chicago started yesterday so last nights news was filled with updates on how the riots were progressing....something that everyone knew was going to happen.  They also continued to remind us that some trains would not be running, there would be heightened security on those trains and that some employers told their employees NOT to come to work today.

In fact, that's ALL that's been ground into our heads for the past 2-3 weeks:

- Certain METRA Trains (the ones that run under McCormick Place) would not be running.

- ALL METRA Train riders would have to go through security and that they were only allowed to carry one bag with certain measurements, and certain items would be restricted.

- There are going to be A LOT of road closures, including parts of Lake Shore Drive through downtown which will make passage from the North to South sides very difficult.

- Employers KNEW that there would be disruption to Public Transportation and Road Closures so they made sure that their employees could work remotely on Monday.

Even further - my company "mandated" that anyone who has a laptop was required to take it home on Friday in case there were further disruptions that would really make it difficult for us to get to the office we could still conduct business working from home.

Here in Chicago EVERYONE has been getting ready for NATO, we know roads are closed, we know of the heightened security, we know that there are going to protesters. 

But this morning on Good Morning America, Robin Roberts opened the broadcast with this statement:  "NATO Protests in Chicago are forcing the city to shut down train lines and major highways  and employers are telling their workers not to come to work downtown today."  The problem with this - it's all a LIE.

I can't believe that I'm going to say this, but I actually agree with Sarah Palin on something: today I agree that the "Lame Stream" Media just wants to hype stories beyond what they really are to create a sensationalized version of what is not reality.

And of course, now that the media is reporting of protests and "massive closures" and protests I'm going to be getting a call from my Mom to make sure that I'm ok.....at which point I'm going to have to say to her "Mom, the media was lying" which is a conversation I never thought I'd have to have with my Mom.

Thanks Lame Stream Media!

He Pees Like A Girl

He pees like a girl, and I'm okay with that.

Deeohji is 11 months old (Yes, I know I'm one of those "parents" when I have to tell his age by months - you're lucky I'm not telling it to you by weeks or even days.....regardless) and he still hasn't figured out the way that boy dogs pee.  You know with the hiked leg on the proverbial fire hydrant.

He still squats like a girl when he pees - and I'm okay with that.  It is not my role to force a gender on my dog.  If he wants to be a boy or a girl - that is totally up to him.  For all I know, it may be a phase he's going through.  Perhaps he has to "see" another dog pee in the hiked leg position to get it?  I know he's starting to figure it out though.

The other day when we were on a walk he realized that he could smell pee on the corner of the building - without having to bend down to the ground - and he turned around, twisted his head like dogs do and said "how'd that pee get all the way up there" I told him to "figure it out" sorta the same thing I say when he wants to jump on the bed.....figure it out dude, if you want on the bed you know how to get there.

Then today when we were at the dog park he actually witnessed a dog lifting his leg to pee - and another lightbulb went off in his head, I think he may be making the connections.  I know that Darryl will be super excited the first time Deeohji lifts his leg to pee - it'll be a right of passage for him - once he does that he'll no longer be a puppy, he'll become a Dog!

Of course that day for me will be a little sad because my Puppy will never be a puppy again, he'll be one of those big oafing grown up dogs who gets his way by forcing himself in line in front of you, and I'll have lost my cute little puppy that used to love to lick my face even when I didn't want him to.

So we're not going to force a gender on Deeohji, he can do as he pleases.....maybe he'll be a girl now, then become a boy for a while and perhaps swing back over to being a girl....whatever he wants to do it's fine by us because we'll still love our little puppy regardless of what gender he is....or isn't.

Hey wait, we got him fixed so is he even technically a boy anymore or is he a eunuch?  Crap, i'm as confused as the dog is now!

This doctors office waiting room sucks,the only magazines they have is ESPN & Mommy & Me. I'm in hell