The Joke Reader - Episode Four

Hey there's a new joke over at The Joke Reader

Check it out HERE

One Hundred, Three Thousand, Six Hundred Eighty Seconds

All lined up
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

That's how long Thanksgiving took this year. Now sersiously, have you ever thought how much time goes into Thanksgiving in the United States.

I was thinking about the time that we invested in Thanksgiving this year and here's the breakdown (this is just my time and will be doubled to include The Roommates time as well to get an accurate reading on the entire project).

4 - Hours planning the party (Involving what to eat and who to invite)
3 - Hours shopping (including the major trip and the 4 side trips for things that we forgot)
7 - Hours of prep the morning of Thanksgiving
24 - Minutes to eat Thanksgiving Dinner
4 - Hours to clean up
14 Hours, 24 Minutes *2 = 103,680 Seconds

Do you want to know how you can cut down on all of that time..... follow along with me, I'm your non-typical American Thanksgiving Party Hostess.....I like Thanksgiving, but to me it's always been about family and friends and not about putting on a huge fancy meal.

Many of my friends love to throw lavish, extravegant dinner parties that involve name plates at your seat, amazing flowers and dessert that requires a special spoon, whereas I'm more of a "Bitch, this is a working dinner party" kind of hostess.

The best times I've had with my friends have always been during working dinner parties.

What's a working dinner party you ask?

As a Harried Hostess why should my guests feel that they can just walk into my home, have a few cocktails, sit down at an extravagently decorated table, eat an exquisite meal, only to finish off the port along with dessert and leave 15 minutes later...yeah I don't know why they feel like that?

Instead, as my guests enter I like to give them little "chores" to do before dinner. Perhaps it's setting the table or organizing the wine and getting the first bottle open, maybe pulling the salad out of the fridge and put it through it's paces in the salad spinner. This way everyone has an opportunity to join in on the fun of throwing a dinner party. Everyone gets to laugh and has a chance to feel as though they've had a hand in pulling off the entire event.

The fun part about all of this is that people who have been to dinner before always volunteer for projects early in the game......because they know that eventually everyone will have a hand in dinner. Some of it is pretty and beautiful like setting the table......but some of it isn't so glamourous like bussing the table of the empty plates that their fellow dining guests just finished using or putting the food away. Of course the fun and pretty chores get taken early by the guests who have been before leaving only those gross and disgusting chores left for the newbies, I guess it's sort of like an initiation per se.

Everyone had a great time at Thanksgiving, but really what was the total cost of Thanksgiving this year? The US Goverment says that Thanksgiving Dinner for 10 will cost you around $40USD, well I can tell you, it cost us a whole lot more than $40 and we only had 6 people:

Cost of Manpower to conduct Thanksgiving = ~$300

Cost of Ingredients to conduct Thanksgiving = $150

Cost of Ingredients guests brought to share = $100

Cost of spending the day laughing, eating and enjoying the time spent with all of your friends = Priceless!

I hope that your Thanksgiving was Priceless this year, I know that mine was.

Can ya help a girl out?

My friend Stevie is conducting a survey for his Grad School Project.

Would you please take a minute and complete this short (100 question, er I mean 10 question) survey for Stevie.

Click Here to take survey

He is telling me that the demographic for this survey is Female Women between the age of 18 and 54 who like to cook and I told him that was completly my kinda girls!

So come on ladies (and you few boys) pony up and answer!

He already has 60 responders and only needs 40 more, come I know we can do it if we put our ass in to it.

The Harried Housewife

The Harried Housewife
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

I hope you've got your Thanksgiving under control...I know I do!

Happy Thanksgiving

Cheetos from a bag
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

If you're celebrating Thanksgiving Today - Happy Thanksgiving.

If you're not - Happy Thursday, Friday is right around the corner!

So I ask you, what's worse, eating Cheetos out of a Walgreens bag because they were leftover from the party or just eating the Cheetos and leaving the pretzels behind?

CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT - NAME THAT PUSSY!

I am proud to announce that a winner has been named, please direct your attention to this special announcement.

How big is it?

Really, how big is it....you know I'm talking about your Turkey!

Which do you prefer?

BEFORE or AFTER?

ALREADY?

ALREADY?
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

For Christ's sake it's not even Thanksgiving yet!!!!!

The Joke Reader - Episode Three

There's a new episode of The Joke Reader, go check it out HERE

John McEnroe & Roger Federer stopped by

John McEnroe & Roger Federerer (I think)
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

Last evening I was surprised to open the door and find John McEnroe and Roger Federer standing on my welcome mat holding their gear!

Well I wasn't really that surprised, I mean I did invite them, but still I was surprised to see them!

We held the first (of many I'm sure) Wii Tennis Tournaments! Click HERE to see all of the photos.

We had 22 players who all competed in what was supposed to be a double elimination had I done the brackets right! It's really not my fault, everyone knows that I'm sportaly challenged, I mean hell, I just found out that there's a strategy to baseball. Fortunately one of my friends was able to walk me through it and make sure everyone had a chance at winning.

Everyone was great and made a donation to cover expenses and the money left over went to the Tournament Winner (plus a shiny new tiara)! I'm embarrassed to say that I made it into the Final 2. I signed up so we would have even brackets...I tried to lose so badly, but I kept winning! Not good for the host to win!

We had an hour of practice and the games started....for the next 3.5 hours everyone got a chance to play at least two full matches and advance up the bracket for the chance to win the money.

It was a rambuctious group of trash-talking, cheer leading, court running, bellyache laughing bunch of queens (oh yeah and one straight couple). We laughed and laughed and laughed watching everyone play tennis and making fools of themselves, it was the best time we'd had in a long time.

We all had a great time and finally awarded the final prize at 11:45 pm, just in time to shut off the lights and head out to the bars to spend the prize winnings.

I'll let you know when we're having the next one so you can stop by and play with us!

Snap Shots

Introducing Snap Shots from Snap.com

I just installed a nice little tool on this site called Snap Shots that enhances links with visual previews of the destination site, interactive excerpts of Wikipedia articles, MySpace profiles, IMDb profiles and Amazon products, display inline videos, RSS, MP3s, photos, stock charts and more.

Sometimes Snap Shots bring you the information you need, without your having to leave the site, while other times it lets you "look ahead," before deciding if you want to follow a link or not.

Should you decide this is not for you, just click the Options icon in the upper right corner of the Snap Shot and opt-out.

BREAKING NEWS: OMG, Lindsay Lohan is in Jail

Oh, but don't worry she was only in there for 84 minutes. The great thing about all of this is that Lindsay will be able to look at Nicole Ritche and say "Bitch, I'm tougher than you, I was in jail 2 minutes longer than you were."

Can you believe this?

She doesn't know me at ALL!

I got this email at work today. How she got my email address I'll never know. But really she doesn't know me at all.


Hello

My name is Natalia.

how are you?

I find your profile and e-mail on a site of acquaintances.

I want to find the more friend and my love.

If you is real are interested, answer to me and we can begin our acquaintance.

A little about me.

I was born 15 OCT 1979.

I work as the manager in the insurance company.

I want to find the man who can love me whom I will also ready to love and care.

And i believe, i can have all part of what you want in soulmate, out of thousands of people that is on here, i find you to be my true choice and i hope that you should feel the same way too.

It's

mmmmmmmmm

really a wonderful moment as am writing this letter to you and i pray that i should hear a good and sweat reply from you.

You may be in long distance from me, but i believe that love can do everything.

I believe love can move mountain and love can turn people's life to wonderful life and sweet one. Ok, i wish that you should write me ine-mail and lets talk and get to know more about each other.

My new friend I ask you to write to me on e-mail:magnificent_nata@yahoo.com

because the Internet here is very bad, but on e-mail I can check my

mail easily.

I will be great to read a nice letter from you.

Hoping in God of love and in power of love I hope to hear from you.

Thanks for the reading my letter.

Natalia.



She doesn't know me at all does she? Should I write her back?

Name That Pussy Contest, the answers

Thank you one and all for your entries to our Name That Pussy contest.

Now the fun starts, I took the first ten entries (sorry all of the poll tools I have limit it to 10 answers) and I will leave it up to you to Name That Pussy

Opinion Polls & Market Research

The contest ends November 12th at 11:59:59 pm.

I never ask for link sharing, but I would totally love it if you would offer some linkage to the contest, I'd like to get as many people to vote as possible, so if you have it in your heart, you can direct folks to this link:

Brian Urlacher is having a sissy fit

Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears is having a straight boy hissy fit with the media.

Now if you know me at all, you know that I don't follow sports, AT ALL! So for me to know and understand what is going on is huge. Remember that secret I confessed to you when I was on Loopy Fruit - Sports Edition?

Apparently some newspaper writer wrote something about Brian Urlacher and he didn't like it. So now when the media asks him any question he only answers with a grunt of a yes or a no and nothing else. Whenever anyone wants to ask further questions he just clams up and doesn't say anything.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand people getting snippy when they're vilified in the newspaper but come on people.....it's sports...and he's a sports star - at least in Chicago he is - I can't talk for the rest of the world, and I'm sure however he was "mis-quoted" is really not all that much.

He's just having a big straight boy hissy fit.

In fact, I've dubbed him Brian Gurlacher, it's fitting isn't it?

Spider Man 3 is SO GAY!

Last night was Movie Night. We were running a little late and didn't get there until after the movie had already been picked and was just starting.....so my selection of movies really didn't make it into the running, plus I had already brought the one that they were watching so I knew that we were going to end up watching that one, which was cool with me.


My friends that originally organized Movie Night hosted last night because they had just gotten a new flat screen tv - it was a virgin, it was so lovely!


We watched Spider Man 3, which is cool I really enjoyed the first two and everyone loves a super hero movie.


But what the fuck is up with Spider Man 3, it was so fucking GAY! And for me to say that, you know it must be gay!


One of the great things about Movie Night is that talking along is allowed and encouraged. It's sort of like a gay Mystery Science 3000. We had all sorts of story lines going, but the biggest one was that Peter & Harry were closet lovers, I mean the way they were acting with each other you would have sworn that they had butt fucked! Oh woe is me, boo hoo, you killed my fater....now kiss me.....no not like that, like this......oh boo hoo....I've got a girlfriend I can't have sex with becuase I live in a studio - why the fuck doesn't he live with her? I mean her apartment was crap, his was crap, but they could have easily afforded a much nicer space of crap together.....Oh that's right because Spider Man was GAY in this movie!


So in touch with his feelings, his emotions. I swear there were looks that they gave each other that were so subtle only the eye of a gay man would see it. Those looks of longing and "I'm all alone."


Overall I liked Spider Man 3, it took a while to get going, but the special effects were amazing (expected) and the story line did move the plot along. The only thing that really confused me was the whole timeline...how long after Spider Man 2 does Spider Man 3 occur? At some points they were making references that it had just happened last week and then other times it was like years away!?!? I'm confused.


So, I give it 3 out of 5 stars, but only because it was SO GAY!!!

NEWSFLASH: Christmas officially cancelled in LA & Chicago

All I can say is THANK GOD!

The FBI recently announced that shopping malls in the LA & Chicago area are possible targets by al Qaeda, now why in God's Name would al Qaeda want to go shopping at Old Navy and Kohl's?



al Qaeda has been talking about this September, which means it's right around the same time that Target started putting up their Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas decorations to get us all in the mood to spend more money than we have in our bank accounts.



So I am making the first official anouncement....Christmas is cancelled in Chicago! Sorry folks but I can't risk being seen, er....I mean, can't risk being caught in, er....I mean, I can't risk having my life ended only because I wanted to get my sister a cheap hoodie from Old Navy and some candles for my Mom from Illiminations.



Please don't expect Christmas presents from me, I'm too afraid (meaning I've never been) to go to the mall! I hope you all understand.



And I'm sure now that I've added the words al Qaeda to a blog post I'm going to get even more traffic from the US Government. I bet they're just looking for Pussy anyways - btw, have you voted yet?

Ya'll Are Coming in the House Right NOW!

OMG, it's that time of year again already!

Halloween is a distant memory the clocks are falling back this weekend and cold weather is soon to be upon us.

More importantly though, it's time for all of the plants to make their way back into the house. Some plantracide will occur this weekend as I dispose of the hanging baskets of the summer. Please don't tell them that they're going in the dumpster while their potted friends will be moving indoor to the cushy warmth of a forced air furnace. The hanging plants did a great job this summer of showing off their foliage and flowers and they really reminded me how much of a fucking pain in the ass hanging baskets are. I'd forgotten how much maintenance they require. I much prefer throwing a bunch of flowers in the ground and occassionally tossing some water at them.

It was great having a deck this summer. I can honestly say, that there is nothing better than having a big deck. We enjoyed the heck out of our big deck this summer, as did our friends. We loved showing it off to new people, everyone is always impressed when they see it for the first time. Although after they'd been over a few times they realized it wasn't as big as they had originally thought and there had been a lot more people over for dinner than just you.

Having a big deck gave me a chance to play with my green thumb. I had a semi-successful herb growing season. We were going great until an August thunderstorm threw the herbs off the railing and thrust them to the ground thereby destroying them. I cried for a few days and finally consoled myself that I had at least made one batch of pesto before it all came crashing down.

My regular "house plants" loved being on the big deck this year. It was the perfect combination of direct, yet not quite in your eyes, kind of sunlight. My Elephant Palm doubled in size and the spider plant that my old neighbors gave me went from a single sprig to a huge plant. But alas, winter is starting to bear down on us and the plants have to make their way in.

I hate bringing the plants in for the summer, it's sort of finally resigning and giving into Mother Nature and letting her have her way. But I can't say I was surprised, it happens around this time every year - what a coincidence!

My Pussy!

OMG, I am estatic about the amount of traffic that my Pussy is bringing to this site.

If I would have known that Pussy caused this much of a comotion I would have gotten one a long time ago. If I had known, I'd have a house full of pussies by now and be a little old lady sharing their Tender Vittles with them.

Who knew Pussy was so good? I didn't!

Thank you everyone for sharing the links, keep sending voters! The polling places are open until November 12th.

Current Contest Running:
FIRST PLACE (TIE - in alphabetical order)
- El Gato Furrizales
- Presto
- Senator
- Skyy

I'm turning into a Porn Site

Yes, you read that correctly, I am turning into a Porn Site. Boy I bet you're surprised aren't you? Well not as half as surprised as I am!

I just have to share this with you because I think it's farking hilarious! Right now there are a whole lot of pissed off straight boys looking for porn that are coming to my site, all because of my little Pussy Naming contest!

I was looking at my Statcounter today becuase I haven't looked at in a couple of days. I know enough that if I don't post, I don't have traffic, that's my own fault, so it is what it is. All of a sudden I started getting a lot of hits, like already at 95 today, which is huge traffic for me. It reminds me of that traffic I got when I spelled Jennifer Annistons name wrong!

And my big hits were all from Technorati! We all know what that is don't we? What was it, had I recently unwittingly posted a tell all post about how Britney Spears is going to be the new Liza Minelli? Had I just written an almost pulitzer prize winning column? No, it was all about PUSSY!

So all these boys (and hopefully some girls) are looking for pussy, which I think is great. I love the Internet for Porn, there's always something for everyone and if you want to find it, you'll find it. We've all "stumbled" upon some porn site that we just accidentally keep in our favorites folder because we added it one time and now claim that we don't know how to delete them so they just have to stay there.

The funny thing about it really is that these Boys and Girls are already horned up or at least just getting started. They're using the simple keywords as foreplay, it works out well. But just imagine you're looking for pussy and you end up coming to some gay guys website where he's running a contest to name his new shelter pussy!

The "Charity Box"

All that was in there
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

Every now and then my mom likes to send me a Pennsylvania Survival kit.

Including: All sorts of candy, and granola bars, and chocolate, and cookies, and twizzlers (two kinds), breath mints, peanut m&m's, gum but most of all Tastykakes both Butterscotch Krimpets and Kandykakes. The biggest treat of all though is the Middleswarth Potato Chips - I just can't explain them other than to say they are the complete opposite of Krunchers.

Do your friends ever send you some crazy shit?

What is my obligation?

I have a web voicemail only account with NetZero (www.privatephone.com) check it out, it's free.

I only have this number posted a few places - my business website, my flickr card.

So whenever I get an email telling me I have a message I know that it's probably not for me.

Today I got new voicemail from a doctor's office calling to reschedule an appointment.

So I wonder, what's my obligation? Do I call the doctor's office back and tell them they have the wrong number or do I just ignore it?

What's your favorite Halloween Costume

Famous People on Parade
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

Personally, I most enjoy people who took time to come up with their costumes for Halloween.

Anyone can go to a store and buy a costume or jump into the thrift store and buy a big dress and go in drag, but I'm most impressed with people who actually put thought into their costumes.

We went to the North Halsted Halloween Parade this past week, it was wild, outlandish and "I wanna push your Momma down in the mud" crazy! There were people everywhere.

The stars were out in full force, there were the Mario Brothers (who, coincidentally enough, had been playing with earlier in the evening on my Wii), there was Madonna and George Michael, there was Kelly (Give me those shoes Beetch) and my most favorite was the three girls dressed up as different Britney's: Oops I did it again Britney; I'm prego Brit; and Currently Fat Brit, they were fabulous.

The one thing that really annoyed me were the people that took time to think of their costume but didn't go the extra mile to actually "be that character." One guy who was the spitting image for Wolverine just stood there, and several people when I called their Character's name looked around to see who I was talking to?!? i guess they only thought of the costume and not the full package.

My favorite costumes are those that have the very odd or very outlandish connection, such as these lovely ladies from Grey Gardens! Don't know Grey Garden's go google it...I'll wait. Or the Joan Cusack (thank you TMS, TBF and 5of9) character from 16 Candles.

What's your favorite Halloween Costume?

WHO is this chick

Famous People on Parade
Originally uploaded by Michael_L

The girl in the red, not Tyra Banks, I know who that is. That's my friend Randall!

Who is that chick in the red sweater, I know it's from a movie, is it 16 Candles.

i know that at one point in the movie she uses the dress on the sweatshirt as a napkin.

If you'd like to see all of the halloween pictures click on the picture or HERE

Hope you had a great Halloween!