Farting

Ok someone is going to have to step through the Internet and slap me for the statement I’m about to make.

Remember 30 years ago when we were kids and how we thought our parents were such dorks and had no idea what was going on in “our” world?

I used to have bad thoughts about my parents, I mean hell I may have been growing up in the middle of nowhere without any natural “peers” but I guess some things just come naturally.  Looking back, I know that all of those bad thoughts were wasted energy (If I only knew then what I know now [slap me again]), and that eventually we’ll realize that.  But it got me to thinking, do you think the reason we distrust people is because our parents are the first to betray us, the first to lie to us?

Think about it, our parents lied to us about Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny all of these little white lies.  If our parents are going to lie to us then who can we ever really trust?  Instead, we perpetuate the situation, we continue (even though we know it’s wrong) the little white lies….why?  Why is it that we know it’s wrong, we were pissed off when we found out about it….but we continue to do it.  Is it some sort of cosmic first practical joke that adults get to play?

It went on for years didn’t it, at least 10 years at my house (my sister is 4 years older and I believed in Santa until I was 6 or so).  Parents making up these little white lies, to a point where they almost become legends and then myths.  My mother has this recording of me on Christmas morning, I must have been 4 or 5 and was really really tongue tied.  My Mother asked me if I heard Santa and I reply (in this most horrible voice):  “I hearded footsteps last night, I hearded them”  Oh my god what a Dork!  So obviously I thought he was real because I could have sworn I heard that fucker on the roof!

But once the first myth began to fade the rest were easy to get rid of.  I think the most difficult one to let go of is Santa Claus because he seems like a real person.  Others were easy to let go of and pretend “Oh I knew all the time” like Easter….The Easter Bunny …hello he’s a rabbit and he delivers fucking eggs, where in the hell did he get those god damned eggs, that’s what I want to know.

One thing I remember about my dad was he was ability to pass wind on command, not just spontaneously but literally on command.  At the most inopportune time you’d be sitting there and all of a sudden things just turned rotten.  Once the first one was out my Dad was like “Well what the hell, it’s gonna happen so lets have fun with it.”  We would scream and yell and make all sorts of obscene gestures to display how terrible it was to be affected by these gaseous odors.  We would make a nasty little game about it, that’s sorta sick.

Once Dad figured out that we were grossed out about it, it suddenly became a torture device.  He would always use the lame excuse, “Oh I can’t help it.”  

This is also the man who loves to put mayonnaise on his mashed potatoes, I swear once he figures out that it freaks you out, he gets some little freaky pleasure from it (Oh my god, That’s where my sister gets it from).  

As I was thinking about this I realized that I am now around the age my Dad was when we were going through all this, and I realized:  I can pass wind on command now too, I guess it’s inherited.

***NOTE*** If you are reading this note, then good for you!  I apologize this post was starting out as one thing and ended up in a totally different way.  I was going to edit it down, but then I figured what the hell it’s Christmas!

The Boyfriend and I are going out of town this weekend, Flo is going (She is so excited) I’ll take lots of pictures.  Have a great weekend.